Roly-poly Relationships

Okay, so an old friend of mine who now lives out west came up with this title.  He also said, that if a polyamorous relationship is low on people and needs feeding, its, "Poly wants a cracker."  The boy is clever, what can I say.  

It all started because I changed my relationship status on facebook, and my friends all sent hugs via facebook and some of them messaged with me about "the breakup." I said that it was mostly just a transition because I am not really comfortable with an open relationship. It isn't really a break up in the traditional sense of the word because in an open relationship there is really no need for breaking up - just re-negotiating.  I see this new phase as just being more independent and having more of a relationship with myself.  Still there is this sadness when things shift and take on new contours.  

I am learning that I am not really into polyamory so much.  I am more into being a Pollyanna, really.  Dating a guy who is also dating someone else when you don't really want to date anyone else, is just too hard for me.  He never lies to me, and he doesn't  speculate about what the future of our relationship might bring.  He is pretty unapologetic about how he is not into being monogamous right now, and you know I respect that.  If I were not into being monogamous, I would be unapologetic too.  The thing is, I am finding that I am into just one relationship at a time, and I have to be unapologetic about that - no matter how "vanilla,"  that idea may be.  

For me, the closer I am to one person, the less "vanilla" I can be.  A strong relationship with one person that I trust frees me and allows me to truly express myself.  I don't feel constrained by monogamy or that I am missing out on anything.  I want to be fully present and awake with just one person.  People are infinitely complex and beautiful, and I think I miss out on things when I am always scanning the horizon or wishing for something different.  I am in love with reality and real humans with all their flaws and insecurities. I like to dream and speculate about what real life might bring to the relationship.  That creation of a future imagined reality with someone is part of what I like to do in a relationship.

It is late now, so I am going to sleep and take care of the one person who is a constant presence in my life - myself.  Good night moon.  Good night people in the east and west and north and south.  And thank you to the boyfriend too.  Now I know more about who I am and what I need, and I am grateful for that.