Okay, so an old friend of mine who now lives out west came up with this title. He also said, that if a polyamorous relationship is low on people and needs feeding, its, "Poly wants a cracker." The boy is clever, what can I say.
It all started because I changed my relationship status on facebook, and my friends all sent hugs via facebook and some of them messaged with me about "the breakup." I said that it was mostly just a transition because I am not really comfortable with an open relationship. It isn't really a break up in the traditional sense of the word because in an open relationship there is really no need for breaking up - just re-negotiating. I see this new phase as just being more independent and having more of a relationship with myself. Still there is this sadness when things shift and take on new contours.
I am learning that I am not really into polyamory so much. I am more into being a Pollyanna, really. Dating a guy who is also dating someone else when you don't really want to date anyone else, is just too hard for me. He never lies to me, and he doesn't speculate about what the future of our relationship might bring. He is pretty unapologetic about how he is not into being monogamous right now, and you know I respect that. If I were not into being monogamous, I would be unapologetic too. The thing is, I am finding that I am into just one relationship at a time, and I have to be unapologetic about that - no matter how "vanilla," that idea may be.
For me, the closer I am to one person, the less "vanilla" I can be. A strong relationship with one person that I trust frees me and allows me to truly express myself. I don't feel constrained by monogamy or that I am missing out on anything. I want to be fully present and awake with just one person. People are infinitely complex and beautiful, and I think I miss out on things when I am always scanning the horizon or wishing for something different. I am in love with reality and real humans with all their flaws and insecurities. I like to dream and speculate about what real life might bring to the relationship. That creation of a future imagined reality with someone is part of what I like to do in a relationship.
It is late now, so I am going to sleep and take care of the one person who is a constant presence in my life - myself. Good night moon. Good night people in the east and west and north and south. And thank you to the boyfriend too. Now I know more about who I am and what I need, and I am grateful for that.
Well said, Gretel.
ReplyDeleteI am proud of you for not allowing yourself to wallow in self-pity.
I, myself, have waded into polyamory, both the vanilla-ish and unvanilla-ish types and discovered this- I hate to lose. I hate to not be "enough". I hate to feel as though someone is having his cake and eating it, too.
I give 100% in my relationships- and if I am trying to do that with more than one person, I fail. I hate failing more than I do losing.
I agree with you, monogamy is not unrestrained. I equate it to a jigsaw puzzle- so many pieces, but when it's complete- when you feel complete-it's a beautiful picture made from many complex pieces. If two or more jigsaw puzzles were to be mixed together in a box, it would become a chore to sort and separate the pieces and put them together.
I remember the picture you took of the shoes, and that is why I sent you a :( on Facebook. I hope that your insight on the matter cushions your disappointment.
Peace,
Teresa
I sometimes wonder if we do ourselves a great injustice by creating the labels of monagamy and polyamory. Like, is a married couple who lives sexually monagamous for 40 years except for about a year or two of sexual promiscuity really monagamous? If you support your spouse having other relationships and you yourself choose not to engage in one, are you poly? If you spend all your time chasing lovers - could you really be considered a person who's in any relationship at all?
ReplyDeleteI've always felt that putting labels on relationships is just as damaging as putting labels on people. They only serve one purpose - to limit. All labels exist to limit and simplify things and is that really what we should be doing to ourselves or our relationships?
Personally, I feel the answer should be no. Relationships are as complex as the people who take part in them. Just as you, Gretel are mother, lover, artist, friend, and daughter (the list goes on here), so do our relationships contain such complexity. I have found that if my spouse and I continually re-negotiate the terms of our agreeement, let it evolve organically, we find that things seem to not get squeezed or forced between us. It's the times in which either one feels like we have to live up to some standard outside of ourselves, that we end up betraying our essential selves.
Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm happy you have found what works for you. Many Blessings.