What scares me, the promised and dreaded freewriting

What scares me more than anything else?
What would I be most terrified to do?
I tell myself freewrite on the above topic for 15 minutes starting now. Go!

I am really not sure I can do this, which is weird because I share my thoughts all the time.  The best thing for me to do is just to dive in the cold water in the swimming pool and not overthink everything all the time.  Just dive in and don't even worry that the straps of my  suit might come down. Okay, so I have this fear of having the Nazis come and tell me that I must leave.  Sometimes I still dream about it.  I am at the Ohio State Main Library studying at a big table.  All my books and papers are spread out, and I am writing a poem instead of taking notes from my Astronomy book.  Over the loudspeaker, they say the Nazis are coming and that we will all be taken away.  I always decide at this point to try to hide.  It is harrowing.  I go into the most hidden library stacks and look for doors or a way to stack huge books around me and make it look like no one is hiding there.  I am always just one step ahead, but usually my refuge keeps me from them.  

Even though my hiding place always works, in real waking life I prepared.  I made my boyfriend let me memorize ever inch of his body so that I could identify him blindfolded with just my sense of touch.  I told my best friends how I would talk in code so that we could rebel.  I get so involved in worrying about something so irrational that when my friend Ruth comes up behind me I startle. 

It has been years since I was in college, but I still have the dream.  Last night I dreamed I was observing a movie set, and they were making some Nazi film.  For some reason I caused a huge expense for the movie crew or did something terribly wrong, and now I have to pretend I am really sick to justify the expense they incurred because they thought I was injured or hurt or something.  I lay on the ground as the fake movie trucks come draped in a white sheet.  I try my best to look injured, but I can't keep myself completely immobile.  Soon, I am sitting in a chair and I have taken over for an actor.  I have to say a line perfectly in German, or they will be out money.  I feel extremely frightened because I don't believe I can do it.  I don't know how to act.  I don't know how to speak in German.  The first time they film it I can't quite do it.  I am a woman, and the actor is a man.  I am supposed to say my male character's name in perfect German, and I can't do it.  Everyone is angry, especially the Dracula-like director.  

An assistant convinces him to let me try filming it one more time, and I am about to try to say this name in German, when my brain says, "You don't really have to do this.  It is just a dream.  You can wake up now and not have to say anything in German."  I do wake myself up, but I still feel all this pressure.  I vow to remember the dream and put a memo in my phone.  I ask myself what it means.  Is it performance anxiety?  Am I afraid that I am just not good enough?  That I couldn't possibly stand in for a trained actor?  Why didn't I hide this time?  Maybe because it was just a film?  And why is this irrational scenario that I dreamed up so scary to me?  There are plenty of things to be scared of in real life - like death and getting Alzheimers and losing my children, but I fear the dark forces, the panther that threatens ma in Little House in the Big Woods, and the tendency we all have inside us that might allow us to be truly evil.