Roly-poly Relationships

Okay, so an old friend of mine who now lives out west came up with this title.  He also said, that if a polyamorous relationship is low on people and needs feeding, its, "Poly wants a cracker."  The boy is clever, what can I say.  

It all started because I changed my relationship status on facebook, and my friends all sent hugs via facebook and some of them messaged with me about "the breakup." I said that it was mostly just a transition because I am not really comfortable with an open relationship. It isn't really a break up in the traditional sense of the word because in an open relationship there is really no need for breaking up - just re-negotiating.  I see this new phase as just being more independent and having more of a relationship with myself.  Still there is this sadness when things shift and take on new contours.  

I am learning that I am not really into polyamory so much.  I am more into being a Pollyanna, really.  Dating a guy who is also dating someone else when you don't really want to date anyone else, is just too hard for me.  He never lies to me, and he doesn't  speculate about what the future of our relationship might bring.  He is pretty unapologetic about how he is not into being monogamous right now, and you know I respect that.  If I were not into being monogamous, I would be unapologetic too.  The thing is, I am finding that I am into just one relationship at a time, and I have to be unapologetic about that - no matter how "vanilla,"  that idea may be.  

For me, the closer I am to one person, the less "vanilla" I can be.  A strong relationship with one person that I trust frees me and allows me to truly express myself.  I don't feel constrained by monogamy or that I am missing out on anything.  I want to be fully present and awake with just one person.  People are infinitely complex and beautiful, and I think I miss out on things when I am always scanning the horizon or wishing for something different.  I am in love with reality and real humans with all their flaws and insecurities. I like to dream and speculate about what real life might bring to the relationship.  That creation of a future imagined reality with someone is part of what I like to do in a relationship.

It is late now, so I am going to sleep and take care of the one person who is a constant presence in my life - myself.  Good night moon.  Good night people in the east and west and north and south.  And thank you to the boyfriend too.  Now I know more about who I am and what I need, and I am grateful for that.

What scares me, the promised and dreaded freewriting

What scares me more than anything else?
What would I be most terrified to do?
I tell myself freewrite on the above topic for 15 minutes starting now. Go!

I am really not sure I can do this, which is weird because I share my thoughts all the time.  The best thing for me to do is just to dive in the cold water in the swimming pool and not overthink everything all the time.  Just dive in and don't even worry that the straps of my  suit might come down. Okay, so I have this fear of having the Nazis come and tell me that I must leave.  Sometimes I still dream about it.  I am at the Ohio State Main Library studying at a big table.  All my books and papers are spread out, and I am writing a poem instead of taking notes from my Astronomy book.  Over the loudspeaker, they say the Nazis are coming and that we will all be taken away.  I always decide at this point to try to hide.  It is harrowing.  I go into the most hidden library stacks and look for doors or a way to stack huge books around me and make it look like no one is hiding there.  I am always just one step ahead, but usually my refuge keeps me from them.  

Even though my hiding place always works, in real waking life I prepared.  I made my boyfriend let me memorize ever inch of his body so that I could identify him blindfolded with just my sense of touch.  I told my best friends how I would talk in code so that we could rebel.  I get so involved in worrying about something so irrational that when my friend Ruth comes up behind me I startle. 

It has been years since I was in college, but I still have the dream.  Last night I dreamed I was observing a movie set, and they were making some Nazi film.  For some reason I caused a huge expense for the movie crew or did something terribly wrong, and now I have to pretend I am really sick to justify the expense they incurred because they thought I was injured or hurt or something.  I lay on the ground as the fake movie trucks come draped in a white sheet.  I try my best to look injured, but I can't keep myself completely immobile.  Soon, I am sitting in a chair and I have taken over for an actor.  I have to say a line perfectly in German, or they will be out money.  I feel extremely frightened because I don't believe I can do it.  I don't know how to act.  I don't know how to speak in German.  The first time they film it I can't quite do it.  I am a woman, and the actor is a man.  I am supposed to say my male character's name in perfect German, and I can't do it.  Everyone is angry, especially the Dracula-like director.  

An assistant convinces him to let me try filming it one more time, and I am about to try to say this name in German, when my brain says, "You don't really have to do this.  It is just a dream.  You can wake up now and not have to say anything in German."  I do wake myself up, but I still feel all this pressure.  I vow to remember the dream and put a memo in my phone.  I ask myself what it means.  Is it performance anxiety?  Am I afraid that I am just not good enough?  That I couldn't possibly stand in for a trained actor?  Why didn't I hide this time?  Maybe because it was just a film?  And why is this irrational scenario that I dreamed up so scary to me?  There are plenty of things to be scared of in real life - like death and getting Alzheimers and losing my children, but I fear the dark forces, the panther that threatens ma in Little House in the Big Woods, and the tendency we all have inside us that might allow us to be truly evil.