Okay, so an old friend of mine who now lives out west came up with this title. He also said, that if a polyamorous relationship is low on people and needs feeding, its, "Poly wants a cracker." The boy is clever, what can I say.
It all started because I changed my relationship status on facebook, and my friends all sent hugs via facebook and some of them messaged with me about "the breakup." I said that it was mostly just a transition because I am not really comfortable with an open relationship. It isn't really a break up in the traditional sense of the word because in an open relationship there is really no need for breaking up - just re-negotiating. I see this new phase as just being more independent and having more of a relationship with myself. Still there is this sadness when things shift and take on new contours.
I am learning that I am not really into polyamory so much. I am more into being a Pollyanna, really. Dating a guy who is also dating someone else when you don't really want to date anyone else, is just too hard for me. He never lies to me, and he doesn't speculate about what the future of our relationship might bring. He is pretty unapologetic about how he is not into being monogamous right now, and you know I respect that. If I were not into being monogamous, I would be unapologetic too. The thing is, I am finding that I am into just one relationship at a time, and I have to be unapologetic about that - no matter how "vanilla," that idea may be.
For me, the closer I am to one person, the less "vanilla" I can be. A strong relationship with one person that I trust frees me and allows me to truly express myself. I don't feel constrained by monogamy or that I am missing out on anything. I want to be fully present and awake with just one person. People are infinitely complex and beautiful, and I think I miss out on things when I am always scanning the horizon or wishing for something different. I am in love with reality and real humans with all their flaws and insecurities. I like to dream and speculate about what real life might bring to the relationship. That creation of a future imagined reality with someone is part of what I like to do in a relationship.
It is late now, so I am going to sleep and take care of the one person who is a constant presence in my life - myself. Good night moon. Good night people in the east and west and north and south. And thank you to the boyfriend too. Now I know more about who I am and what I need, and I am grateful for that.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
What scares me, the promised and dreaded freewriting
What scares me more than anything else?
What would I be most terrified to do?
I tell myself freewrite on the above topic for 15 minutes starting now. Go!
I am really not sure I can do this, which is weird because I share my thoughts all the time. The best thing for me to do is just to dive in the cold water in the swimming pool and not overthink everything all the time. Just dive in and don't even worry that the straps of my suit might come down. Okay, so I have this fear of having the Nazis come and tell me that I must leave. Sometimes I still dream about it. I am at the Ohio State Main Library studying at a big table. All my books and papers are spread out, and I am writing a poem instead of taking notes from my Astronomy book. Over the loudspeaker, they say the Nazis are coming and that we will all be taken away. I always decide at this point to try to hide. It is harrowing. I go into the most hidden library stacks and look for doors or a way to stack huge books around me and make it look like no one is hiding there. I am always just one step ahead, but usually my refuge keeps me from them.
Even though my hiding place always works, in real waking life I prepared. I made my boyfriend let me memorize ever inch of his body so that I could identify him blindfolded with just my sense of touch. I told my best friends how I would talk in code so that we could rebel. I get so involved in worrying about something so irrational that when my friend Ruth comes up behind me I startle.
An assistant convinces him to let me try filming it one more time, and I am about to try to say this name in German, when my brain says, "You don't really have to do this. It is just a dream. You can wake up now and not have to say anything in German." I do wake myself up, but I still feel all this pressure. I vow to remember the dream and put a memo in my phone. I ask myself what it means. Is it performance anxiety? Am I afraid that I am just not good enough? That I couldn't possibly stand in for a trained actor? Why didn't I hide this time? Maybe because it was just a film? And why is this irrational scenario that I dreamed up so scary to me? There are plenty of things to be scared of in real life - like death and getting Alzheimers and losing my children, but I fear the dark forces, the panther that threatens ma in Little House in the Big Woods, and the tendency we all have inside us that might allow us to be truly evil.
Monday, June 28, 2010
If you want to write more, try this book.
One of my wishes is always to write more, but not only that, to write with more verve. One of my all-time favorite writing inspirations is Natalie Goldberg's Wild Mind. Natatlie Goldberg is a zen Buddhist, and writing is her meditative practice. Just as in her first book, Writing Down the Bones, Wild Mind makes use of a technique called freewriting. The rules for freewriting go like this:
1. Let your mind roam freely. Just let yourself write whatever comes to mind. If nothing comes to mind, just write something like, "I can't think of anything." I usually free associate. If I wrote about not being able to think of anything, then my next line might be about thinking, or not being able to do certain things, etc.--something loosely connected to the previous sentence. Literally write the first thing that comes to your mind, and then the next thing, and the next.
2. This is Natalie talking, not me, but I do like this rule a lot. She says writing is like sex. You need to keep your hand moving. Don't pick up your pen and look around the room at the wallpaper and your Aunt Sarah's watercolor painting of a hydrangea, keep your pen or pencil (or your hands on a keyboard) moving.
3. Do not edit yourself at this stage. You don't stop in the middle of talking provocatively during sex and say, "Oh gosh, I really didn't use the most appropriate vocabulary a few seconds ago, so I'd like to revise please." You just keep going. The idea is that your mind set free will allow to tap into your wildest and most interesting thoughts if you don't inhibit yourself.
4. Another rule is that freewriting is usually practiced for a specified amount of time. I usually start my students off with just ten minutes of freewriting. Then we might work our way up to about twenty minutes of freewriting. Some people recommend freewriting every day at the same day, and many writers would say morning is better, but I am not particularly wedded to that idea. (See Julia Cameron in The Artist's Way on "Morning Pages.")
5. Some people like to do what is called focused freewriting. Wild Mind is great for this! At the end of each chapter, Goldberg has a little exercise in freewriting called, "Try this." For example, she might say, "Something not much written about is teeth. Try writing about teeth." I did this and after a lot of revision of my freewriting I got a short story about a town in which the inhabitants lose their teeth and have to replace them with wolf teeth.
6. Another good rule is to read your freewriting out loud to hear how it sounds. I like to read mine with a writing partner. But the goal is not to be overly critical, or to say, "Wow, do you really think you should talk about your alcoholic uncle that way?" This would be tantamount to saying, "Wow, that dress makes you look really fat." Sometimes my writing partner and I agree on a phrase to say before we start. We might say, "Oh my, you look gorgeous today," or, "I really appreciate your willingness to share your writing with me." Sometimes we note the places where the writing really takes off, the places in the piece that really have energy.
7. Do not be afraid! Allow yourself to write about anything. You don't have to share your writing with anyone if you don't want to share it. In fact, one of Goldberg's ideas is to write about what you fear. Try it, it really is cathartic.
My next post will be a spontaneous freewriting about what I fear. I am actually kind of scared to do this, but I have made a commitment to be honest with myself and to fully live in reality. The thing is I am really not scared of much, or at least I don't think I am!
1. Let your mind roam freely. Just let yourself write whatever comes to mind. If nothing comes to mind, just write something like, "I can't think of anything." I usually free associate. If I wrote about not being able to think of anything, then my next line might be about thinking, or not being able to do certain things, etc.--something loosely connected to the previous sentence. Literally write the first thing that comes to your mind, and then the next thing, and the next.
2. This is Natalie talking, not me, but I do like this rule a lot. She says writing is like sex. You need to keep your hand moving. Don't pick up your pen and look around the room at the wallpaper and your Aunt Sarah's watercolor painting of a hydrangea, keep your pen or pencil (or your hands on a keyboard) moving.
3. Do not edit yourself at this stage. You don't stop in the middle of talking provocatively during sex and say, "Oh gosh, I really didn't use the most appropriate vocabulary a few seconds ago, so I'd like to revise please." You just keep going. The idea is that your mind set free will allow to tap into your wildest and most interesting thoughts if you don't inhibit yourself.
4. Another rule is that freewriting is usually practiced for a specified amount of time. I usually start my students off with just ten minutes of freewriting. Then we might work our way up to about twenty minutes of freewriting. Some people recommend freewriting every day at the same day, and many writers would say morning is better, but I am not particularly wedded to that idea. (See Julia Cameron in The Artist's Way on "Morning Pages.")
5. Some people like to do what is called focused freewriting. Wild Mind is great for this! At the end of each chapter, Goldberg has a little exercise in freewriting called, "Try this." For example, she might say, "Something not much written about is teeth. Try writing about teeth." I did this and after a lot of revision of my freewriting I got a short story about a town in which the inhabitants lose their teeth and have to replace them with wolf teeth.
6. Another good rule is to read your freewriting out loud to hear how it sounds. I like to read mine with a writing partner. But the goal is not to be overly critical, or to say, "Wow, do you really think you should talk about your alcoholic uncle that way?" This would be tantamount to saying, "Wow, that dress makes you look really fat." Sometimes my writing partner and I agree on a phrase to say before we start. We might say, "Oh my, you look gorgeous today," or, "I really appreciate your willingness to share your writing with me." Sometimes we note the places where the writing really takes off, the places in the piece that really have energy.
7. Do not be afraid! Allow yourself to write about anything. You don't have to share your writing with anyone if you don't want to share it. In fact, one of Goldberg's ideas is to write about what you fear. Try it, it really is cathartic.
My next post will be a spontaneous freewriting about what I fear. I am actually kind of scared to do this, but I have made a commitment to be honest with myself and to fully live in reality. The thing is I am really not scared of much, or at least I don't think I am!
Friday, June 25, 2010
List of 25 Things I Wish - Written as Fast as I Could
I make one of these lists every month or so. The first ten or so are things that come to mind right away, but as I get beyond ten or eleven, it is harder for me to come up with things I really wish for in my life. I find that the items closer to the end of the list are somehow truer, more abiding wishes for me. I also find that the items that get repeated over and over from month to month in these lists are activities or goals I should really make an effort to pursue. This blog is part of that. I am writing more and hoping my words reach others like hands held out in peace.
The List
1. Even better relationship with kids.
2. A great job I love.
3. To finish my play.
4. To learn more about woodworking.
5. To finish my book projects.
6. Enough money to travel.
7. The ability to take my kids and people I care about on life-changing journeys.
8. To do yoga.
9. To become even more fluent in Spanish.
10. To learn Portuguese.
11. To get in really great shape and to be totally hot!
12. To have a really big house so people could stay with me.
13. To live full-time with my kids.
14. To have more great, high-quality sexual/sensual interactions with people I care about. (Okay, so I did edit that one a bit.)
15. To write and perform a one-woman show.
16. To have the courage to be a stand-up comic.
17. To act in local theater productions.
18. To direct!
19. To own a farm on a lake.
20. To help others realize their fondest dreams.
21. To learn how to sail again and to own a boat.
22. To have more woodworking tools.
23. To be a great person and to truly serve as God in translation.
24. To be able to support my aging parents.
25. To find out what exactly my sacred contract with the universe is, and to fully fulfill my life's purpose.
The List
1. Even better relationship with kids.
2. A great job I love.
3. To finish my play.
4. To learn more about woodworking.
5. To finish my book projects.
6. Enough money to travel.
7. The ability to take my kids and people I care about on life-changing journeys.
8. To do yoga.
9. To become even more fluent in Spanish.
10. To learn Portuguese.
11. To get in really great shape and to be totally hot!
12. To have a really big house so people could stay with me.
13. To live full-time with my kids.
14. To have more great, high-quality sexual/sensual interactions with people I care about. (Okay, so I did edit that one a bit.)
15. To write and perform a one-woman show.
16. To have the courage to be a stand-up comic.
17. To act in local theater productions.
18. To direct!
19. To own a farm on a lake.
20. To help others realize their fondest dreams.
21. To learn how to sail again and to own a boat.
22. To have more woodworking tools.
23. To be a great person and to truly serve as God in translation.
24. To be able to support my aging parents.
25. To find out what exactly my sacred contract with the universe is, and to fully fulfill my life's purpose.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
What's my cosmic job?
Lately I have been looking for a job. The term ended at the college where I was teaching part-time, so now once again I am job hunting. As a writer with a Ph.D, in English, I can never decide if I want a full-time job with insurance that will keep me from doing much writing, or if I want to slog away at a part-time job with no insurance that will allow me, in some ways, to have a higher quality of life and time to write.
Then, beyond that surface concern is a bigger question: What is my cosmic purpose? There is a book called Sacred Contracts by Caroline Myss, who also wrote Anatomy of the Spirit among other things. In this book, Caroline, who is a theologian and a medical intuitive, says that we all have a sacred purpose we can't deny. Her book is designed to help people find out what their sacred contract, their raison detre might be. While I did read the book, the complex system of archetypal symbolism was daunting, and I don't know that I found out enough about my cosmic purpose to actually make a cosmic resume or to become perfectly fulfilled living out the universe's dream for me.
So what to do? One technique that has worked for me in the past, and that I still practice is the 25 wish inventory. What you do is write a list of 25 wishes as fast as you can. The first ten are easy and end up being wishes for more money, the health of my family, or universal health care - you know the easy things we think of when we are articulating our desires. But after number ten, it gets more difficult. I find myself writing that I want to learn more about woodworking, that I want to become a better mom, that I want to finish my play, or that I just want to spend more time with the people that I care about. Every month or so, I write a new list in my journal, and it is interesting to see how my wishes shift over time. It is also revealing to look at the patterns charted in my lists. I find myself repeating my desire to learn woodworking, to write more, to travel more, and to love more. My lists don't tell me anything I don't already know, but they are a simple way to articulate my current passions and to map my enduring passions. I challenge you to try it, and let me know what you learn. I will make a list too. Maybe together we can make those cosmic resumes tangible.
Then, beyond that surface concern is a bigger question: What is my cosmic purpose? There is a book called Sacred Contracts by Caroline Myss, who also wrote Anatomy of the Spirit among other things. In this book, Caroline, who is a theologian and a medical intuitive, says that we all have a sacred purpose we can't deny. Her book is designed to help people find out what their sacred contract, their raison detre might be. While I did read the book, the complex system of archetypal symbolism was daunting, and I don't know that I found out enough about my cosmic purpose to actually make a cosmic resume or to become perfectly fulfilled living out the universe's dream for me.
So what to do? One technique that has worked for me in the past, and that I still practice is the 25 wish inventory. What you do is write a list of 25 wishes as fast as you can. The first ten are easy and end up being wishes for more money, the health of my family, or universal health care - you know the easy things we think of when we are articulating our desires. But after number ten, it gets more difficult. I find myself writing that I want to learn more about woodworking, that I want to become a better mom, that I want to finish my play, or that I just want to spend more time with the people that I care about. Every month or so, I write a new list in my journal, and it is interesting to see how my wishes shift over time. It is also revealing to look at the patterns charted in my lists. I find myself repeating my desire to learn woodworking, to write more, to travel more, and to love more. My lists don't tell me anything I don't already know, but they are a simple way to articulate my current passions and to map my enduring passions. I challenge you to try it, and let me know what you learn. I will make a list too. Maybe together we can make those cosmic resumes tangible.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
beginning of best blogerific blog
My name is Gretel, and I have finally started a blog. I am a writer between the ages of 35 and 51, and I live in Columbus, Ohio. I am a trained poet and folklorist, which does not significantly help me in the "real" world, but I am interesting to talk to and my perspective is unique.
The other night I was in a bar attending a friend's concert, and someone from my early, early childhood walked in, and I knew that I knew him, but couldn't place how I knew him. He looked at me in that puzzled sort of way a dog looks when it has no idea why you are asking it to drop the baby squirrel it is "caressing" with its teeth. Later, he came over and said hi, because he knew it was me as soon as he heard my voice. I have always had a unique voice, but I haven't always known how to use it. Sometimes I have been too confrontational, and other times I have fallen back on the customs of another time and tried to be a demure woman--you know cross your legs when wearing a short skirt, and all that. So, now that I am comfortable with who I am, I am learning to be strong and passionate without sounding angry or defensive, and that is the purpose of this new blog - to let me use my voice, and as a writer, to help others use theirs. Let us begin.
The other night I was in a bar attending a friend's concert, and someone from my early, early childhood walked in, and I knew that I knew him, but couldn't place how I knew him. He looked at me in that puzzled sort of way a dog looks when it has no idea why you are asking it to drop the baby squirrel it is "caressing" with its teeth. Later, he came over and said hi, because he knew it was me as soon as he heard my voice. I have always had a unique voice, but I haven't always known how to use it. Sometimes I have been too confrontational, and other times I have fallen back on the customs of another time and tried to be a demure woman--you know cross your legs when wearing a short skirt, and all that. So, now that I am comfortable with who I am, I am learning to be strong and passionate without sounding angry or defensive, and that is the purpose of this new blog - to let me use my voice, and as a writer, to help others use theirs. Let us begin.
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